Why Setting Boundaries Feels So Difficult
Melissa Horn
8/4/20262 min read
Many have experienced this in one way or another. You’ve been asked for a favor, to take on an additional task, or to join an event, and your first thought is no. But when confronted with the request, you find yourself agreeing—hiding the sense of dread expanding within you behind a fake smile. You’ve ignored your own boundaries (again). As resentment kicks in, you might occupy yourself with the question, “Why did I say yes?”
Conditioning and Guilt
At some point during our upbringing, many of us learned that saying “no” or putting our own needs first is rude and selfish—and thus an undesirable habit. This is especially true for young girls and women, considering that gender norms constructed by society expect women to be caretakers and nurture those around them. This kind of conditioning triggers guilt at the prospect of saying “no” to something or someone.
Fear of Conflict, Rejection, and Grief
Furthermore, setting boundaries can disrupt the status quo in a relationship and potentially cause a temporary rupture. For those of us who are conflict-avoidant, the idea of being confronted with the disappointment or even anger of the person we are saying “no” to can induce high levels of anxiety. This is closely linked with breaking our tendencies to please others. Consequently, this anxiety drives us to ignore our own boundaries to preserve harmony and peace, avoiding upsetting someone else.
Setting and maintaining boundaries means prioritizing protection over connection. But what if someone is not able to accept our boundaries? There may be people in our lives who we know would react negatively to our establishing boundaries. By establishing our boundaries, we might have to face the fact that certain relationships won’t continue as they have—if at all. Recognizing this can cause us to feel genuine grief, which some might prefer to avoid by instead ignoring their own limits.
How to Kick the Habit of People-Pleasing
As mentioned earlier, not establishing boundaries and instead crossing your own often comes hand-in-hand with resentment, frustration, and possibly even more severe mental health struggles such as burnout. Boundaries are there to protect you and, ultimately, those around you as well. After all, what good is it to anyone around you—or to yourself—when you’re unwell?
As with many things in life, practice makes perfect. The first few times might feel awkward, possibly anxiety-inducing, and accompanied by guilt. Sit with it. Feel it, acknowledge it, and remind yourself that it is not selfish, but that you are protecting yourself and your well-being. Sometimes it can help to practice a short script to say. That way, you might feel more prepared in a situation that tests your boundaries.
Most importantly, keep practicing by setting even more boundaries.
