Why am I drawn to partners who cannot meet me?
Why do we chase the ones who pull away? Explore the psychological loop of emotional unavailability, why your brain mistakes anxiety for chemistry, and how to finally break the cycle of the "thrill of the chase" to find a love that actually stays.
Melissa Horn
6/2/20262 min read
Picture the following scenario: You’ve been on multiple dates with them and usually have had a good time. However, between dates, they’re hard to reach and either don’t respond to texts or only after days or even a week. You tell yourself they might be busy and don’t check their phone. You notice their inconsistency and keep rationalising their behaviour. But instead of feeling pulled away, you feel more drawn to them. Many of us have been here. A potential partner’s inconsistency increased our desire. Naturally, this begs the question: why does absence increase our attraction to them?
We keep finding ourselves stuck in a repeating cycle of being increasingly attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, and avoidant. Yet they are present enough to keep our hope alive, but also absent enough to keep our longing active. We think we like, or even love, them, but here's the caveat: being emotionally activated or triggered does not equal love. Familiarity often feels safe to us and can therefore provide a sense of comfort, but that does not mean it is necessarily healthy or a sign of love.
We may not be choosing partners who can’t love us; instead, people whose love we had to earn.
But what exactly is it that keeps pulling us into this emotional rollercoaster, which we seem powerlessly submitted to? It appears that just as our brains find comfort in familiarity, we can be prone to adhering to several fallacies regarding attraction.
For once, some of us might have a tendency to mistake intensity for intimacy. Our nervous system gets triggered in a way that is known to us; we may assume intensity means the connection must be real and intimate. Additionally, emotional distance can make a person appear more mysterious, activating our desire to figure them out and get a peek into the inner workings of their mind. And don’t we just love a bit of mystery as much as we are desperate to watch the next season of our favourite show had just left us on a cliffhanger?
Lastly, for many, there is something about being chosen by someone hard to reach as proof of our worth. If this person chooses us, then that is proof that we are good and worthy. Naturally, this raises the question of where this stems from.
While dating patterns vary as much as the underlying causes, commonly the usual suspects are linked to our upbringing, our attachment styles, and can sometimes include past traumas (but don’t have to). If we’ve had inconsistent caregivers or had to earn our love through performance, this might shape how we date later on in life, especially if this is the only familiar manner in which we have been shown affection. This is not to blame caregivers or those of us seeking emotionally unavailable partners, but rather a potential explanation and result of the experiences we’ve had growing up.
Furthermore, the act of longing can feel safer than being seen by an intimate partner, as the pursuit that might lead nowhere protects us against vulnerability while keeping a fantasy alive. This can make unavailable love appealing as it allows us to avoid real intimacy.
But what does being met feel like?
To those who have not experienced it yet, it can feel unfamiliar and thus potentially even scary, or maybe boring due to the lack of intensity. Instead, it might feel calm, consistent, and available, the exact opposite of what we (and thus our brain) might be used to. Secure, available love should not have us questioning 24/7 whether we are loved or even worthy of love. That’s not to say that healthy love equals the complete absence of conflict or friction, but rather, a sense of safety and trust that allows for open communication and collaborative conflict resolution.
The question is, can we learn to trust what doesn’t make us chase?
